“You Need To Go Home”

We are not strangers to this point in the night. It’s about a half hour till closing and everyone clearly needs to drink water and go home. This state of mind isn’t fun. It’s embarrassing and sleepy. But naturally, you never realize when you’re actually in this state because you’re “Totally fine and just having fun”. Let’s be honest, you’re a hot mess and can’t get the straw from your drink into your mouth.

What’s worse than this level all together? Reaching it super early into the night. Y’know, those times you don’t make it past the pregame (@AbbeyStudnicka). It’s never fun waking up the morning after a night like this and it’s not because of the hangover. To minimize your odds of this, here are the five signs you need to get your ass home ASAP.

1.You’ve cried
If there’s one thing everyone knows about drunk girls it’s that sometimes they just love to cry. From boys or how much we really do love our friends, or seeing a photo of a chubby baby on instagram. It can get the tears going. And by all means, there’s not that much wrong with it. Just keep it confided to the bathroom stall. Oh, and make sure your makeup is topped off right after. You don’t need to walk out looking like Taylor Swift from her Blank Space music video.

taylor swift

2. You’ve lost your friends and it’s whatever
Your everything when going out is your friends. They’re your right hand. Bathroom buddies, shot buddies, someone to ask if the guy dancing behind you is cute, and someone to pull you away when realizing he isn’t. Seeing this, it’s impossible to avoid getting separated from your friends- but when you do, it should be your mission to find them. When you loose your friends and don’t even notice or pay mind to it but mean while you’re dancing on an elevated surface with some “new friends” you’ve just made and you’re okay with it… yeah, that’s when it’s time to GTFO.

teqlia vodka.gif

3.You’ve fallen

This one is pretty self explanatory. Things like this happen to everyone, but you only get a certain amount of allotted times sloppy actions are allowed  without being judged. Falling on that note is a whole different problem. Falling means you legit can’t even manage to stand or walk. You learn how to do that shit when you’re 2 years old. Yes, infants have better body coordination than you at this point. Once you’ve picked yourself up, take yourself HOME.


4.You’re missing accessories
Ahhhh a women’s biggest mystery. It’s always impossible to figure out how random accessories or articles of clothing disappear. No matter what it was, odds are it’s not a good thing it’s missing. It doesn’t scream “I’ve been having a better time than you” but more so “I look like I’ve been mugged” If your outfit is in shambles, just go home.


5.You start annoying the DJ or bartender.
Another quality of the extremely drunk is self entitlement. And also being annoying AF. Most of the time this self-entitlement is taken out on the people just trying to make a living by serving us. They’re just nice innocent people trying to do their jobs and find themselves being harassed by sloppy patrons. The DJ doesn’t care if Sorry by JB is your favourite song (he’s heard about six other people say it tonight) and climbing over the bar isn’t going to make the bartender give you those tequila shots any quicker. At this point stop trying to find the bartender and try finding the exit.


Call it quits. Call an Uber. Get going.

Brittany Peretin


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