Okay okay. We all know when we discuss with our BFF to “grab a drink after a tough week filled with bullshit” we mean “this has been a rough week, people suck, let’s get black out and pretend it didn’t happen” Heres a list letting you know what will happen… and if it doesn’t, you’re doing it wrong. Cheers Ladies!!
Step One: “Let’s go out for one drink tonight”
Uhhhhhh WRONG. Of course, your best friend being a best friend will most likely tell you to “shut the fu*k up, you’re getting hammered tonight” after the famous last words come out of your mouth “I’m not even drinking that much tonight”. Let’s be honest… deep deep down, or at the surface of your mind, naturally, everyone and their grandma knows it’s about to go down.
Step Two: The Pre Game
Okay gals.. now it’s okay to get fired up about what’s been on your mind since it last happened. Saturday night. This is a crucial stage for you and your BFF. Maybe one of the most important parts of the night. You’re both happy, tispy, singing some of your fav throwbacks while, well.. throwing some back. While this is going on you can’t wait to get the night going, and looking forward to being the best looking pair of BFFS this bar is gonna see tonight. This is where important questions come into play-
“Where are we going?”
“Is Bae going to be there? Or real bae?”
“Are you dressing slutty or classy?”
“I hope we don’t see ____ tonight”
And the ever so self absorbed statement “Wow, I’m a 10” while looking in a mirror.
Step Three: “I’m not even drunk yet”
Getting to the bar, you’re in the zone. You’re friends with everyone, and you never thought you could love yourself more. Then you’re walking around trying to catch people’s attention (yes, even the greasy guy sitting in the back alone, because why not.. you look hot AF) , than BAM. Stumble. Your BFF asks you if you’re alright and maybe you should settle down. NOPE… here it comes, the famous words “Ugh, I’m not even drunk” WRONG WRONG WRONG. Odds are in 20 minutes you’re ready to go to the bathroom, break the seal, have the “Omg you’re soooo pretty” conversation with some drunk BFF bathroom girls you just met, then realize you’ve been staring at yourself in the mirror thinking the consequences that will be faced the next morning.
Step Four: “Oh! There’s my friend!”
There’s something about spending the night at a bar and magically becoming connected personally with every living, breathing thing in there along with it. The bouncer, bartender, and nice strangers you’ve met on the way. Naturally with your inability to keep to yourself, your BFF is there to pull you away every time she sees something arising followed by the words “Sorry, she’s really drunk! Have a good night!”
Step Five: Nobody can handle this
This is the peak. This is where you’re the best singer, dancer, and person in the world. You’re also on your way to becoming the world’s best puker at this point.
Mix in some h-twenty, save you and your BFF the trouble.
Step 6: “Fu*k it, let’s grab another”
This part always involves a conscience, and a devil on your shoulder- the devil being your best friend. You both clearly realize you have reached the ultimate degenerate level, but decide to encourage each other instead because you’re having the best time… EVER. This is where those extra three shots you’ve just taken tell you it’s okay to text that ex-boyfriend how he ruined your life but you’ll always love him, or your most recent hookup saying how much you hate your ex boyfriend, and for him to meet you after the bar closes.
Step 7: Resurrection
You hear someone say the word “SHOTS” right as you think you’re ready to call it a night so naturally, you act like a puppy who has seen a squirrel. What’s one more… right?
Step 8: “Why isn’t he texting me back?”
“Why isn’t he texting me back, I love him, I know he still loves me.. maybe I should call him!!! Or facetime him, he loves my face!!! I’m cute.. right? ” Your friend has a little more of a brain than you do, so naturally she responds along the lines of something like this: “Fu*k that ass clown, let’s call him, find out where he is than kill him maybe. Nothing more than that”
* sniffles *
* wipes eyes *
* is ready to be the ultimate bar star again *
Remember ladies, it ain’t nothing but a hair flip!
Step 9: Munchies
The night is slowly coming to an end- all you can do is eye ball that pizza joint across the street from the bar and think about all the terrible things you’d do for a slice right about now. Maybe that could make up for all the bad you’ve done tonight? Right? Wrong! You and your friends decide to retire for the night and go for a slice of veggie za, ask if they can throw some dignity on there, because let’s be honest.. nothing good comes from staying past 2AM these days.
Stage 10: The ride home
Wait… What ride home? #BlackOutStat
Step 11: Waking Up like you’ve been in the desert for the past 12 hours.
Water…. We need water A$AP Rocky!!!!! Waking up realizing your drunk ass’ forgot to leave water bottles for your sober sorry ass’ the morning after. This is apart of the Hunger Games trilogy that was never published.
“Just go grab two water bottles so we can go back to sleep”
“Ugh, fu*k off. Fine, next weekend it’s your turn”
Chug, Puke, Repeat.
Step 12: “Shit, I’m an idiot”
Immediately waking up and finding the relief you didn’t loose your phone the night before, the fear comes back in a wave because you have no recollection of what evidence from the night before it could hold….. Yikes. You check your phone to only quickly throw it across the room hoping when it hits the floor it creates a hole big enough for you to burry yourself in. Its funny how Jack Daniel’s and Absolute tells you everything you do and say makes perfect sense, until logic sobers you up and you realize texting that fuckboy, your ex, your mom about your personal problems, and uploading those snapchat stories of you sucking face with some stranger clearly your drunk goggles picked out for you, will make a morning of nothing but ragrets, Regrets don’t lead to lessons, and chances are 7 days from that day.. it will happen again. Like they say; History Repeats Itself. But you made BFFS with George the Uber driver apparently, so you’ll always have a right hand man… he may not speak a lick of English but gosh he’s a great listener!
You and your best friend finally get the courage, and the hangover under enough control to make a quick drive to the nearest McDonalds, get some greasy food you will regret eating, and discuss your nights. “You did WHAT?” “You said that to him?!” “We are fu*ked right up”. Post getting past those problems, you decide the only thing you’re good for is basically being dead so you hit the sheets again until you are reborn basically. You wake up, make sure everything wasn’t some bizarre drunk dream you had, realize it was real, cry a little. Than realize not much can be done now, and mentally start preparing yourself to do it all over again the weekend after.